Moving On...Well Sort Of

Today was a tough day.

We got the keys to the new house and started the arduous task of moving in. The place we have lived for the last two years is a 2nd floor duplex. We actually really liked the space itself but hated parking on the street and not having a yard for Noah to play in. The new house has a big backyard and a beautiful deck for our bbq. Our bbq. Can I even call it that anymore?

I'm so mad.

I'm mad at Mike for not wanting the same things as me. I'm mad at myself for not taking more time to get to know him before we got married. What if this was it? What if this was my one shot to get it right and I blew it? What if Noah hates me for not trying harder to keep his parents together?

I'm so scared.

For Love of His Boy

That is really what all of this is about. The Love of The Boy.

Seven plus years is a long time to spend not knowing what you want in life. Not knowing how to deal with life. It is a long time to love someone, knowing that you are not what they need you to be.

There is no doubt in my mind that I love Marianne, she is everything anyone could ever want in a friend, wife and mother. It is of no fault of her's that this situation has come to be. She gave me a beautiful little boy, someone who I cannot think about without wondering how I got so lucky. He is me. My little man, my buddy.

I can't look back at my past and want it to be any different. I can't say I would not want to take the path that I did, because that would be a life without Noah. I don't ever want that life.

Marianne and I will be fine, and we want to ensure that Noah will have the greatest life possible. We want him to know that he has a loving family, despite any issues or complication that are a part of that. We need him to know that he is loved. That everything is OK. That his parents will always be there for him.

This is a new page in both of our lives. We still love one another and that will never change.

Clarity

Over the last few days I have been doing a lot of thinking. Saturday all I could think of was how sad I was and how much I was about to lose. The more time that passes though I realize that this is what we both wanted. I just wasn't willing to admit it. We got married too fast. That is a fact. After dating for just 10 weeks we did not know eachother. Over the last eight years I have convinced myself that I was happily married and madly in love. When in reality I was madly in love with the idea of being happily married. I didn't want to be a failure. I kept thinking that if Mike could only do x,y,z... we would be so happy.

I get it now.

I am so sorry for all of the "why can't you just...", and "why don't you...". It was never your job to be x,y,z if it didn't make you happy.

An Absence of Antagonism

In 9 days we are moving. The 3 of us. Together. Is that weird? It was decided weeks ago. Now everything has changed. We are going to live together for atleast a few more months, primarily because we are not financially ready to seperate. It will give me time to find a job and for us to start changing bills and opening new bank accounts and all the little things no one ever wants to have to deal with.

Will it be difficult? Definitely. Will it help Noah adjust to Mommy and Daddy in two different bedrooms. I think so. Is it just delaying the inevitable day when he moves out. Unfortunately.

Websters defines amicable as exhibiting goodwill and an absence of antagonism. I can do this. I will be fine....repeat after me....I can do this. I will be fine....I can do this. I will be fine....

Does divorce have to be ugly?

I don't think so. Neither does my husband.

Let's be clear. I am not happy about this. I love my husband. I am in-love with my husband. But my husband is not in-love with me. That sucks. That really sucks. It's not my fault. But it's not really his fault either. He tried to tell me 100 times. I wouldn't couldn't listen.

Yesterday was a terrible day. TERRIBLE. By the time I laid my head down last night my eyes were practically swollen shut. I kept thinking about all the memories. All the never-wills and mighta-beens. I thought about the questions the boy would ask and if I would ever have all the right answers. I thought about living alone. Finding a full time job after being a stay at home Mom for almost four years. I quickly went from heartbroken to terrified. How would I ever be able to get through this? I didn't have a clue.

This morning I woke up with a peace in my heart. I realize I now have a choice to make. I went out to the living room to find Mike asleep on the couch for the second night now. As he opened his eyes I told him I thought I would be ok. That I was ready to try and move forward and do whatever we need to do.

I'm ready to be friends*.

*By friends I mean I am ready to resist the urge to throw my arms around you everytime you walk into the room.

The "D" Word

Today my husband and I decided to get a divorce. The big "D". God that is such an ugly word. I am not proud of it. But it is reality. Now I am here for love of the boy. Our boy. At just 3½ years old he has so many years ahead of him. I want him to know that everything we do is for him. Everything is going to change for his Dad and I. Our job is to make sure nothing as little as possible changes in his life.

Can a couple make the switch from married to just friends? This is the first day of our journey...